Questions

I wish I understood God better. Maybe if I did, I would understand this pain I feel right now. I wish that I were strong enough to the point that I wouldn't fall into despair. This past week I've felt haunted by Satan and his lies. Right now I do feel like I'm in a pit, and am starting to see that maybe I have been stuck deep in one for some time.

I wish that I could see things through God's eyes. Maybe if I did, I would see hope and the many joys in my life instead of focusing on one pain. I could see that He is in control and much better at running my life than I am.

The big picture?

Well, I know that God has been trying to get my attention for some time now. And when I think about how lovely He is, how beautiful He is, I feel so foolish for not running straight to Him in the first place.

So why do I always try to stand alone?

Because when I do that I do feel totally alone. Maybe that's part of the reason I've been listening to every voice in my head except for God's.

Loneliness. Loneliness is a terrible disease. It eats away at you from the inside out, and you get to the point where you can't hide or run away anymore from the feelings you've tried time and again to push back to the bottom. And then you find that you have been trying to fill up the hole in your heart with everything except Him.

The truth is that I want to be romanced. I want all those wonderful things I wrote about in my first post. I want to feel desired and loved. And I wish I knew all the answers.

Like why do I feel like I push what I want away. Why do I feel like I am too much, and why don't I feel like anyone wants to really know me?

And then, deep in my heart in the silence I can hear Him.

And He says to me, "You are beautiful my daughter. You are worth far more than rubies. I have already paid the highest price for you. I gave my life so that you could know me. And I created you just the way you are. I know the number of every strand of hair on your head, and the deepest fears in your heart. Come after me and know me, for I've been pursuing your heart from the very beginning."

And suddenly, where I felt so alone, I feel overwhelming LOVE...

The truth is that we are never alone, no matter how overwhelming the trials of life tirade over us and the waves threaten to engulf us so we drown in our own self-pity.

I wish I understood God better. I wish I could see things through His eyes.
But the thing that I want most of all, more than all the answers to my questions that have really already been answered, is to know HIM.

Because He will fill up the hole in my heart until the day He brings the One He made to share it. Because when I believe that and I am in Him, all the loneliness and the fears melt away. Because His kind of love is worth everything.