The wind blows harder, and it carries me with it,
to journeys unknown, and a fate unsure.

Should the wind blow me away and off course,
will I find the way home?
Or be carried and tossed, pushed and be lost forever with it?


A fate unsure, but wings spread, ready to fly.
The horizon beckons, and I cannot wait.
A leap, a jump, and I must take it
though I know not what awaits on the other side


Shall I fight it and cower, embrace the earth?
Or run and meet its beckoning gale...

I must fly free, I must jump, leap and soar!


Where I land I do not know,
my fate's unsure, my destiny unknown,
But I will follow where the wind blows,

I must love, I must loose, but in the end I will live,
live and be free!

Questions

I wish I understood God better. Maybe if I did, I would understand this pain I feel right now. I wish that I were strong enough to the point that I wouldn't fall into despair. This past week I've felt haunted by Satan and his lies. Right now I do feel like I'm in a pit, and am starting to see that maybe I have been stuck deep in one for some time.

I wish that I could see things through God's eyes. Maybe if I did, I would see hope and the many joys in my life instead of focusing on one pain. I could see that He is in control and much better at running my life than I am.

The big picture?

Well, I know that God has been trying to get my attention for some time now. And when I think about how lovely He is, how beautiful He is, I feel so foolish for not running straight to Him in the first place.

So why do I always try to stand alone?

Because when I do that I do feel totally alone. Maybe that's part of the reason I've been listening to every voice in my head except for God's.

Loneliness. Loneliness is a terrible disease. It eats away at you from the inside out, and you get to the point where you can't hide or run away anymore from the feelings you've tried time and again to push back to the bottom. And then you find that you have been trying to fill up the hole in your heart with everything except Him.

The truth is that I want to be romanced. I want all those wonderful things I wrote about in my first post. I want to feel desired and loved. And I wish I knew all the answers.

Like why do I feel like I push what I want away. Why do I feel like I am too much, and why don't I feel like anyone wants to really know me?

And then, deep in my heart in the silence I can hear Him.

And He says to me, "You are beautiful my daughter. You are worth far more than rubies. I have already paid the highest price for you. I gave my life so that you could know me. And I created you just the way you are. I know the number of every strand of hair on your head, and the deepest fears in your heart. Come after me and know me, for I've been pursuing your heart from the very beginning."

And suddenly, where I felt so alone, I feel overwhelming LOVE...

The truth is that we are never alone, no matter how overwhelming the trials of life tirade over us and the waves threaten to engulf us so we drown in our own self-pity.

I wish I understood God better. I wish I could see things through His eyes.
But the thing that I want most of all, more than all the answers to my questions that have really already been answered, is to know HIM.

Because He will fill up the hole in my heart until the day He brings the One He made to share it. Because when I believe that and I am in Him, all the loneliness and the fears melt away. Because His kind of love is worth everything.

HE is all i need...

All I Need

You are all I need.

You are the love I crave, the beauty I desire within me. You are the joy that keeps my heart beating.

You are the shelter that hides me from corruption.

You sustain my hunger for romance. You are my one constant companion.

You strip away the layers of sin that bind me.

You place healing balm upon the stripes of pain I have borne. You comfort me in all my wounds. You rest near my side, delighting in my praise.

You consume me until all I can think about, sing or talk about is You.

You are there beside me, as I run the race and You hold my hand ever step. When I stumble, Your strength allows me to rise again.

I am left in awe of You. Your glory makes me bow down in wonder at the cross. You took the nails that were meant for me.

You made mountains tremble and nations arise and fall; so I might know You more, so I might tremble at your feet, so I would remember our undying, unquenchable, unconquerable love...

Every Girl Wants to be a Princess...

Every girl wants to be a princess. They want to have a handsome prince come after them and carry them far far away from the terrible world around them. Then when we get older we start realizing that rarely is this wonderful fairy tale true to real life.

All us girls carry scars with us. Some of the scars we did not ask for. They were imposed by the sick world around us. Other wounds we cause ourselves.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter the situation we are placed in, it’s how we react to that situation that becomes the sin. Lately there have been many cases where I have reacted badly. And I still carry the emotional scars from my self-inflicted wounds.

Once I believed in a dream of love. That love was perfect and pure. I would find this love and be surrounded in it, sing about it and dance my way to a blissful future of happiness.

I still dream of love. It’s because of the dream that I fall still. I discovered a long time ago that God was the only One who could ever fill the bottomless hole in my heart. But I thought to myself, doesn’t God say that there’s a perfect mate for most everyone? Why does it seem whenever I throw my heart out there I get burned? I never made the mistakes my best friends around me seemed to be making. I never went to parties, got drunk and compromised my morals. I never threw away my virginity for the instant gratification of a passionate night. I wear a promise ring that symbolizes my commitment to the one God has prepared for me.

Yet whenever I start to loose hope, feel regrets and anger at the scars I’ve carried and any faith in the future, I remember Him. He has done so many amazing things for me! He has lifted me out of the depths. He sees all things and He is in control of all things. My joy comes in Him.

And there is still this part of me that wants what I see in the movies. How Raoul rescues Christine in Phantom of the Opera. How Mr. Darcy silently pursues Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. How the Beast changes his ways and woos Belle in Beauty and the Beast. How we see Nathaniel literally fight his way to Cora in Last of the Mohiccans. How Henry defies all to come after Danielle in Ever After. There are countless examples of love, not in its perfections, but rather through its mistakes, it becomes something beautiful.

In pondering over these things God showed me one thing in the recurring theme of man’s perusal of his mate; He’s been pursuing me too. He pursued us from the beginning of time by making the world beautiful, giving us free will to choose to love Him. He pursued us in the Garden, when we walked with Him freely in our innocence. When His people failed Him again and again, when they abandoned Him, He showed us that He was there with them all along. He moved mountains, and shook up the foundations of the earth for us. He sent His Son to die for us so we could know Him in ways we were meant to from the beginning.

Some day my dream of love will be fulfilled, but until that day I know God is here already fulfilling it in every way it could be.